During my first year of practicing endurance sport in 2007 I was enlightened to the importance of the pre-race dropping of a deuce. It is often said that success on race day starts with success in the bathroom. In the past, before going into battle, warriors would consult an oracle. Now days endurance cycling and running warriors consult the porcelain gods.
Pinching a loaf is one of the best and cheapest methods of cutting a bit more excess weight before the race. Shaving a few grams off your bike costs hundreds of dollars in lighter material, but 5 minutes on the throne is free.
Good strategies for the best possible race morning dropping of a stink pickle are to eat light the evening before the race and not after 8pm. This will guarantee that all packages are on the vehicle and ready for delivery by morning. Of course make sure you have properly fueled and recovered before an event, but skip the oh so popular pre race pasta extravaganza. It's too late to carb up at that point and it's just going to weigh you down the next morning. I like to wake at least two hours before the race to give things adequate time to develop.
Whether or not I am successful at dropping the Cosby kids off at the swimming pool before a race is generally a fairly good indicator of how I am going to feel during the race. If the Cosby kids are ready and waiting to get swimming, the race is already off to a good start. If the kids are being stubborn, you may have issues later on.
If by luck, nature, or diving intervention you have the perfect dump, consider it a rare thing. You know what I'm talking about. You sit down and get a smooth sliding, fart free beauty that breaks the water with the grace of an Olympic diver. You wipe with some toilet paper but find it was completely unnecessary. You know you're in for a good day.
However if you give birth to a newborn 9.3 pound son who's name is Barron von Terdmeister, well good luck, you're going to need it.
Even worse, if the Browns are reluctant to go to the Super Bowl, I have a strategy for you. The trick is to relax your entire body and think about the race. Anxiety is your ally right now. Think about the race start, with everyone standing, jumping, or nervously fidgeting around. Sort of like when you come to a red light while running. You never really know what to do and there's people in cars staring at you. It kind of brings on a nervous feeling, but I find this to be the most effective way to mail a letter. If you are already nervous I'm sure brewing a pot of shi tea will be pretty easy.
Pinching a loaf is one of the best and cheapest methods of cutting a bit more excess weight before the race. Shaving a few grams off your bike costs hundreds of dollars in lighter material, but 5 minutes on the throne is free.
Good strategies for the best possible race morning dropping of a stink pickle are to eat light the evening before the race and not after 8pm. This will guarantee that all packages are on the vehicle and ready for delivery by morning. Of course make sure you have properly fueled and recovered before an event, but skip the oh so popular pre race pasta extravaganza. It's too late to carb up at that point and it's just going to weigh you down the next morning. I like to wake at least two hours before the race to give things adequate time to develop.
Whether or not I am successful at dropping the Cosby kids off at the swimming pool before a race is generally a fairly good indicator of how I am going to feel during the race. If the Cosby kids are ready and waiting to get swimming, the race is already off to a good start. If the kids are being stubborn, you may have issues later on.
If by luck, nature, or diving intervention you have the perfect dump, consider it a rare thing. You know what I'm talking about. You sit down and get a smooth sliding, fart free beauty that breaks the water with the grace of an Olympic diver. You wipe with some toilet paper but find it was completely unnecessary. You know you're in for a good day.
However if you give birth to a newborn 9.3 pound son who's name is Barron von Terdmeister, well good luck, you're going to need it.
Even worse, if the Browns are reluctant to go to the Super Bowl, I have a strategy for you. The trick is to relax your entire body and think about the race. Anxiety is your ally right now. Think about the race start, with everyone standing, jumping, or nervously fidgeting around. Sort of like when you come to a red light while running. You never really know what to do and there's people in cars staring at you. It kind of brings on a nervous feeling, but I find this to be the most effective way to mail a letter. If you are already nervous I'm sure brewing a pot of shi tea will be pretty easy.
There's nothing worse then having a turtle play peak a boo and sneak it's head out during a race. If this happens get to the side of the road and set it free. The only time when it is unacceptable to stop and poop is if you are a) going for the win or b) in contention for a qualification to Kona or the Olympic Trials and your time is going to be close. Boston is not important enough.
7 comments:
Top guy got a Kona spot jfyi.
Yup I read that somewhere. And I believe the girl did a 2:37ish.
This is amazing.
Hey Michael, I did not make fun of anyone, and it was never my intention to. These two athletes get all the props in the world for what they have done, both have incredible times.
I'm not trying to prove anything. I just like to show that it's possible to come a long way. And that I really like to run.
But I took the photos down. I meant no disrespect, but do apologize.
Thanks for taking the picture down. I don't know you, and I was wrong for making those comments...
I should've just left it at "Can you please take those pictures down out of respect for the athletes?"
I'd appreciate it if you took my comment down. Thanks and best of luck to you.
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