This blog has two main purposes. The first is to give me the ability to learn from my training. Writing it out allows me to think about what has taken place in the past and reflect on practices that have worked and have not worked. This includes tapering, recovering, nutrition, training, etc. The second reason was to give readers an honest look into my training and help people through my thoughts, advice, lessons, etc.
However, the posts have not been entirely truthful with the 170,000 views on the blog.
But seriously, this is truth time.
Denial definitely surrounds this, but it would be safe to say that my eating is probably distorted. The fact that this is even coming up likely means it is true, eh?
When you google “ do I have bulimia” you probably have bulimia.
However, the posts have not been entirely truthful with the 170,000 views on the blog.
But seriously, this is truth time.
Denial definitely surrounds this, but it would be safe to say that my eating is probably distorted. The fact that this is even coming up likely means it is true, eh?
When you google “ do I have bulimia” you probably have bulimia.
My issue with food does not stem from the fact that my body used to weigh 230 pounds. Instead, the reason it weighed 230 pounds is due to my issues with food. Perhaps why it happens is because my mind have such high expectations for food and often food will be eaten so fast that the "rush" from the food is gone in a second!! How does that feeling return? More must be eaten! And More. And MORE.
Sometimes while at home and my mind will crave a specific food item so much that a trip to the grocery store will be made. Sometimes the craved item is purchased. Sometimes the purchase is talked out of by myself on the drive there, at the grocery store, or even in line to buy it. The little devil and angel on my shoulders literally go at it in my head.
A week ago, in one sitting, 1,000 calories of chocolate coconut ice cream with peanut butter mixed in was devoured. Another recent binge was with oatmeal. A fantastic Thai dinner was prepared with stir fried veggies with Thai sauce, quinoa, and some samosas. The meal was finished with feeling a little stuffed, but not bad. Maybe three spoonfuls too many. A couple hours later, my stomach was still very satisfied, maybe even a bit on the full side. Yet for some reason, eating something came into my mind. Some instant oatmeal packets that are blueberry muffin flavored were cooked up with some peanut butter. Even while preparing the oatmeal, hunger was non existent and it was clear that this oatmeal should not be eaten or that it should not have been made in the first place. However, as it happens all of the time, this meal would be consumed in its entirety, leaving my stomach feeling very uncomfortable afterwards. And you know what? That is exactly what happened...
Once in a coffee shop an epiphany took place. At the table next to my booth was a man reading a book. He had a piece of brownie on a plate and was slowly eating it with a fork. Every couple of pages he would scoop off another bite and chew it slowly, very much enjoying the taste and texture. My eyes stared at him, fascinated. He was doing something that would be immensely difficult for me; slowly consuming a dessert item. Two Oreos cannot be eaten by me, if it can be helped. Instead, none would preferably be eaten, rather than a measly two. But, 2/3rd of a box of Oreos would of course be much better. Just a couple weeks ago, 1000 calories of Oreos were eaten by myself in a single sitting, not because of hunger. There was no good reason. In the end, Desi was asked take them away so they could not be eaten anymore, since "full" was already long past.
For a while it never actually occurred to me that it was abnormal to not eat as much as I could at every meal.
Once, after returning from vacation, a bag of chocolate chips that we purchased to bake some cookies with for the family get-together was found by myself while unpacking. A handful of them were eaten and the rest dumped into the garbage, just so the entire bag would not be snacked on and eaten during the next hour or two.
Very recently while out on a run and feeling very sick from eating too much prior, it actually crossed my mind to sneak off the trail and throw up. Never happened. Shortly after arriving back at the apartment, Desi called to say she was leaving her appointment in town and would be home in a few minutes. A quick binge before she got home, was considered. The bloodshot eyes could be covered up by jumping in the shower, she would never notice.
You are likely wondering what exactly happens. The process. Binges often occur during regular meals, where just too much food is consumed. Sometimes to the point where stomach pain occurs. Sometimes to the point where regular and normal activities cannot be done, because my body is so uncomfortable. If it's a "special" meal such as at my parents house, or out to dinner at a restaurant, obligation to eat as much food as possible is felt. Binges almost always happen at two occasions. The first is a buffet or some type of meal where the food is always present and available, such as family get-togethers, which are often based around meals. Snack options make it worse since you can just throw them into your mouth, they don't even need to be eaten with utensils. Even while on the verge of throwing up from consuming such a large volume of food, snacking still can't be helped! The second type of food binged with is "food like substances" such as oreos or super sugary items.
Those binges occur at least once a week, but more realistically 2 or 3+ times. Like the oatmeal prepared at 10pm for no reason, my binges are not always with “junk food” since we do not keep any in the house. Maybe at 9pm two or three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches will be prepared, even though a very satisfying dinner was just eaten 3 hours previous and my stomach was not hungry at all (and maybe even stuffed) when the sandwiches were prepared.
After a binge, two things can happen. Either the next few hours will be spent in discomfort and possibly in pain because of the amount of food eaten, or a voluntarily purge will take place into a toilet by sticking a couple fingers down my throat.
Like already mentioned, at least once a week a meal will be consumed until my stomach is uncomfortably full of food. How often does a purge take place? That’s a good question. It comes and goes in spurts. In my last year of school a purge probably took place at least once a month. It would sometimes happen often, this made me feel like garbage and it would not happen again for a while. Other times, binges would take place, but just no throwing up. After a while the crappy feeling from the purging would go away and and the purging would start over again. More recently, a purge happened at a restaurant in October, once in November, and once in December. Purges generally do not happen very often because my stomach has to be really, terribly uncomfortable to the point of being sick, to purge. So that does not happen very often.
These binges have absolutely nothing to do with hunger. It purely stems from craving. The food binged on is almost exclusively something with a fair amount of additional sugar or salt added. Fruit or vegetables are not binged on. However, take those veggies and put sweet & sour sauce on them with some (or a lot of) noodles and a couple of those damn good sugar covered and fried dough balls you get from Chinese restaurants, and that can turn into a binge session.
Fast food has also been a subject of my binges. At one point last year, Dairy Queen was visited and a large blizzard likely consumed every day for a few days. Don’t forget the french fries either!
When the word binge is used, what is being referred to is a meal that simply does not stop when satisfaction is reached or a meal that should never have started at all due to not being hungry in the first place!
Why does it happen? Binge because of cravings. Purge because of the pain and discomfort from eating so much. Never due to calories or weight loss. Never has a binge taken place with the premeditated goal of purging. That is slightly comforting, at least.
The DSM-IV criteria for Binge Eating Disorder (BED) are as follows
In November of 2012 there was a two piece article written about an ultra marathoner with bulimia nervosa. If you look at my computer's history, you'll see it visited every day for at least the last week. The piece was written by an acquaintance of the athlete and repeatedly discusses how the runner correlated weight loss with spreed gain. While this is true to a point, the author discussed how the runner lost weight with no end in mind. People have a hard time comprehending that my body weighs 147 pounds but the goal is to drop down to a race weight under 130. If you look at athletes who run at the elite or sub-elite level, which is my goal, my body is 20-30 pounds over weight four its height. Dathan Ritzenheim, pictured below, is an inch taller than me and 29 pounds lighter during racing season.
Sometimes while at home and my mind will crave a specific food item so much that a trip to the grocery store will be made. Sometimes the craved item is purchased. Sometimes the purchase is talked out of by myself on the drive there, at the grocery store, or even in line to buy it. The little devil and angel on my shoulders literally go at it in my head.
A week ago, in one sitting, 1,000 calories of chocolate coconut ice cream with peanut butter mixed in was devoured. Another recent binge was with oatmeal. A fantastic Thai dinner was prepared with stir fried veggies with Thai sauce, quinoa, and some samosas. The meal was finished with feeling a little stuffed, but not bad. Maybe three spoonfuls too many. A couple hours later, my stomach was still very satisfied, maybe even a bit on the full side. Yet for some reason, eating something came into my mind. Some instant oatmeal packets that are blueberry muffin flavored were cooked up with some peanut butter. Even while preparing the oatmeal, hunger was non existent and it was clear that this oatmeal should not be eaten or that it should not have been made in the first place. However, as it happens all of the time, this meal would be consumed in its entirety, leaving my stomach feeling very uncomfortable afterwards. And you know what? That is exactly what happened...
Once in a coffee shop an epiphany took place. At the table next to my booth was a man reading a book. He had a piece of brownie on a plate and was slowly eating it with a fork. Every couple of pages he would scoop off another bite and chew it slowly, very much enjoying the taste and texture. My eyes stared at him, fascinated. He was doing something that would be immensely difficult for me; slowly consuming a dessert item. Two Oreos cannot be eaten by me, if it can be helped. Instead, none would preferably be eaten, rather than a measly two. But, 2/3rd of a box of Oreos would of course be much better. Just a couple weeks ago, 1000 calories of Oreos were eaten by myself in a single sitting, not because of hunger. There was no good reason. In the end, Desi was asked take them away so they could not be eaten anymore, since "full" was already long past.
For a while it never actually occurred to me that it was abnormal to not eat as much as I could at every meal.
Once, after returning from vacation, a bag of chocolate chips that we purchased to bake some cookies with for the family get-together was found by myself while unpacking. A handful of them were eaten and the rest dumped into the garbage, just so the entire bag would not be snacked on and eaten during the next hour or two.
Very recently while out on a run and feeling very sick from eating too much prior, it actually crossed my mind to sneak off the trail and throw up. Never happened. Shortly after arriving back at the apartment, Desi called to say she was leaving her appointment in town and would be home in a few minutes. A quick binge before she got home, was considered. The bloodshot eyes could be covered up by jumping in the shower, she would never notice.
You are likely wondering what exactly happens. The process. Binges often occur during regular meals, where just too much food is consumed. Sometimes to the point where stomach pain occurs. Sometimes to the point where regular and normal activities cannot be done, because my body is so uncomfortable. If it's a "special" meal such as at my parents house, or out to dinner at a restaurant, obligation to eat as much food as possible is felt. Binges almost always happen at two occasions. The first is a buffet or some type of meal where the food is always present and available, such as family get-togethers, which are often based around meals. Snack options make it worse since you can just throw them into your mouth, they don't even need to be eaten with utensils. Even while on the verge of throwing up from consuming such a large volume of food, snacking still can't be helped! The second type of food binged with is "food like substances" such as oreos or super sugary items.
Those binges occur at least once a week, but more realistically 2 or 3+ times. Like the oatmeal prepared at 10pm for no reason, my binges are not always with “junk food” since we do not keep any in the house. Maybe at 9pm two or three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches will be prepared, even though a very satisfying dinner was just eaten 3 hours previous and my stomach was not hungry at all (and maybe even stuffed) when the sandwiches were prepared.
After a binge, two things can happen. Either the next few hours will be spent in discomfort and possibly in pain because of the amount of food eaten, or a voluntarily purge will take place into a toilet by sticking a couple fingers down my throat.
Like already mentioned, at least once a week a meal will be consumed until my stomach is uncomfortably full of food. How often does a purge take place? That’s a good question. It comes and goes in spurts. In my last year of school a purge probably took place at least once a month. It would sometimes happen often, this made me feel like garbage and it would not happen again for a while. Other times, binges would take place, but just no throwing up. After a while the crappy feeling from the purging would go away and and the purging would start over again. More recently, a purge happened at a restaurant in October, once in November, and once in December. Purges generally do not happen very often because my stomach has to be really, terribly uncomfortable to the point of being sick, to purge. So that does not happen very often.
These binges have absolutely nothing to do with hunger. It purely stems from craving. The food binged on is almost exclusively something with a fair amount of additional sugar or salt added. Fruit or vegetables are not binged on. However, take those veggies and put sweet & sour sauce on them with some (or a lot of) noodles and a couple of those damn good sugar covered and fried dough balls you get from Chinese restaurants, and that can turn into a binge session.
Fast food has also been a subject of my binges. At one point last year, Dairy Queen was visited and a large blizzard likely consumed every day for a few days. Don’t forget the french fries either!
When the word binge is used, what is being referred to is a meal that simply does not stop when satisfaction is reached or a meal that should never have started at all due to not being hungry in the first place!
Why does it happen? Binge because of cravings. Purge because of the pain and discomfort from eating so much. Never due to calories or weight loss. Never has a binge taken place with the premeditated goal of purging. That is slightly comforting, at least.
The DSM-IV criteria for Binge Eating Disorder (BED) are as follows
- Recurrent episodes of binge eating characterized by BOTH of the following:
- Eating in a discrete amount of time (within a 2 hour period), an amount that is definitely larger than most people would eat during a similar time period.
- Sense of lack of control over eating during an episode.
- Binge eating episodes are associated with three (or more) of the following:
- Eating much more rapidly than normal.
- Eating until uncomfortably full.
- Eating large amounts of food when not hungry.
- Eating alone because of being embarrassed by how much one is eating.
- Feeling disgust with oneself, depressed, or guilty after overeating.
- Marked distress regarding binge eating is present.
- The binge eating occurs, on average, at least 2 days a week for 6 months.
- The binge eating is not associated with the regular use of inappropriate compensatory behaviors (e.g. purging, fasting, compulsive exercising).
In November of 2012 there was a two piece article written about an ultra marathoner with bulimia nervosa. If you look at my computer's history, you'll see it visited every day for at least the last week. The piece was written by an acquaintance of the athlete and repeatedly discusses how the runner correlated weight loss with spreed gain. While this is true to a point, the author discussed how the runner lost weight with no end in mind. People have a hard time comprehending that my body weighs 147 pounds but the goal is to drop down to a race weight under 130. If you look at athletes who run at the elite or sub-elite level, which is my goal, my body is 20-30 pounds over weight four its height. Dathan Ritzenheim, pictured below, is an inch taller than me and 29 pounds lighter during racing season.
There is a weight loss goal in my mind. It is clear and is a stopping point. Me being 110 pounds is not going to make me faster than being 120 pounds or 130 pounds. Not like a meth addict who says they can stop if they want. There is a distinct limit to my weight loss, a line that will not be crossed. Hopefully.
There are a few tricks that can be used to not binge. My biggest tool has been remembering and practicing mindful eating. This means
Eating only when hungry
Not eating because I am bored or craving something
Eating slowly
Chewing properly
Enjoying and recognizing the food in my mouth
Eating until satisfied, not full
These work 99% of the time, but once in awhile I just can't beat the craving.
Generally while eating "real food", the meal can be ended once satisfaction is reached, before fullness takes over. However, when junk food, snacks, or buffets are involved, things can get out of control. Even while feeling sick and extremely uncomfortably by the amount of consumed food, snacking still happens!
It is strange. People have always looked to me for advice about health, nutrition, and exercise. There is a Clinical Nutrition with Dietetics Specialization degree in my office. In the past the scale under my feet used to read 230 pounds, now the shoes under my feet have completed multiple ultra marathons. Yet, this disorder has been kept secret for years.
So, what is next? Well, honesty with my readers. This blog gets a few hundred clicks each day and the words have not been fully honest. More thorough recording of diet is a goal of mine. Most days, the meals simply do not get recorded in time and are forgotten and left blank. Once in a while a binge happens and the day is left blank so the binge and possible purge does not have to be written. Hopefully that purposefully blankness can be avoided from now on.
Why was this blog post written? Because of this article, and this advice:
There are a few tricks that can be used to not binge. My biggest tool has been remembering and practicing mindful eating. This means
Eating only when hungry
Not eating because I am bored or craving something
Eating slowly
Chewing properly
Enjoying and recognizing the food in my mouth
Eating until satisfied, not full
These work 99% of the time, but once in awhile I just can't beat the craving.
Generally while eating "real food", the meal can be ended once satisfaction is reached, before fullness takes over. However, when junk food, snacks, or buffets are involved, things can get out of control. Even while feeling sick and extremely uncomfortably by the amount of consumed food, snacking still happens!
It is strange. People have always looked to me for advice about health, nutrition, and exercise. There is a Clinical Nutrition with Dietetics Specialization degree in my office. In the past the scale under my feet used to read 230 pounds, now the shoes under my feet have completed multiple ultra marathons. Yet, this disorder has been kept secret for years.
So, what is next? Well, honesty with my readers. This blog gets a few hundred clicks each day and the words have not been fully honest. More thorough recording of diet is a goal of mine. Most days, the meals simply do not get recorded in time and are forgotten and left blank. Once in a while a binge happens and the day is left blank so the binge and possible purge does not have to be written. Hopefully that purposefully blankness can be avoided from now on.
Why was this blog post written? Because of this article, and this advice:
I ask him what he’d say to someone in the middle of an eating disorder.My feelings and hope is that being more honest will help. Being open about my feeling with food and acknowledging the problem. Just like sharing my thoughts, hopes, and concerns about training helps me deal with the high and low points of being an athlete, maybe doing the same with my diet issues will help me fight the battle. And maybe they will help someone else at the same time.
Probably to tell someone, he says, because that’s I think what saved me. And that I don’t think it’s ever too soon or too late to try and seek help.
11 comments:
This...this is me! Exactly. to the T. I thought I had it under control the past few years. I went from 208 to 147 maybe 5 years back then remained around 155. I took up running and ran 1000-2000mi a year the past 3 years. On Sept. 30th last year I was 147. A few months prior I was diagnosed with pre-hypoglycemia and extreme reactive hypoglycemia. I hired a nutritionist to help me out as any race over 3hrs, I'd pretty much pass out with low blood sugar no matter how much I ate. Success! My metabolic efficiency went way up and I could run for 8hrs no problem with a good nutrition plan. Then, with my goal race done, and no more nutritionist.....the binges came back. The first week it was a "reward". Then, it just got worse. I've gained 30lbs since Sept. 30th. Mainly, binging. I can easily stop by McDonalds and I'll house 10pc nuggets, 2 McDoubles and a large fries. In under 10minutes. Until the self loathing sets in. I've never purged but would be lying if I said I never thought of it, mainly out of disgust for what I just ate.
Most my wife/friends/family kind of just laugh when I try to explain that it's very hard to take control of, and that makes it tougher. I get the "well, just don't do that".
It was very brave of you to share this! You aren't alone with this at all, a lot of us have issues with food/eating (as I just mentioned on my blog).
It doesn't matter really, which way it happens does it. IT's all the same...I would do the same...eat past full...eat for whatever reason. It never would have occurred to me to eat slowly with a fork either. It's something I have been practicing for the last four years. I am a food addict. It's a process of recovery. I knew there was a reason I followed this blog. I remember when you were doing the raw diet..I got concerned because you seemed so upset when you would violate a food rule. Disordered eating comes in all packages...weight is just a side affect of that disordered eating...which is usually a side affect of some other problem. Telling someone...that is what I did. It's the best disinfectant.
Hey Rob. Disgust and super uncomfortable pain are the main reasons purges take place, in my case.
Also about the reward system. You feel like you must eat a huge meal, because of such a long and successful run.
Thanks for the comment, I'll be talking to you later on Facebook!
Christine, during the 3 week raw food test, screw ups were more about messing up the experiment than actually about food itself. Actually, during that time surrounding the raw food diet, for most of the entire summer purges did not occur and binges were less common as well. Probably because I was running twice as much actually.
It appears we feel (felt?) the same way about how eating gets out of control.
The best thing about writing this post is that now future training updates and articles can be written with full honesty :)
Kyle, kudos to you for putting your full story out there. I'm sure that must have been very difficult for you to do.
I don't have any other words of encouragement other than this. I have enjoyed reading your story the last few years. Keep going and may health always be on your side.
Matt
I've been reading your blog since you ran the Canadian Death Race. The amount of balls it took to write this entry is staggering. If this goes viral I could see you ending up on Oprah and Dr. Phil. Bulemia is never talked about by men. Your admission is important. I hope you understand the magnitude of what you've accomplished here. You've most likely saved several lives.
Jack
Thanks Matt, your words are always welcome :)
I appreciate your comment Jack, and thanks for reading the blog :)
Honestly, I down-play everything I do. I win a race, my wife congrats me, and I just think, "Well, no one showed up who is faster than me...?"
I hope I can continue to help myself and maybe helped others by being honest and open about this. The article I linked to certainly was an eye opener to me!
Sorry to hear about that. You seem to be doing fine with the running though ;-) It was inspiring to read about it, even though my issues with food seem small in comparison. I think about these things a lot because I was fat as a kid.
Part of the problem is that a lot of what we think of as normal food, like toast and sweetened cereal, really is junk food. When I see photos of crowds from the 70's and 80's it's really striking how thin everyone was. I don't think it's about the willpower: They simply didn't have an unlimited, 24 hour supply of Mars bars! It's funny people say these things about the stone age, but really you just have to go back 25 years to find a diet that was radically different from how it is today.
I get angry every time I walk past a 7-11 and see all the "food" they offer. At least I am not angry with myself anymore. Sorry for the rant.
Erlend - Thanks for the comment :)
I definitely agree about what people think food is. It is truly saddening!
Nice comment about going back 25 years instead of back to the paleo age!
Post a Comment